Ride Report: ISF ‘02
By Mike Williams
(Originally posted to the internet dirtbike
discussion group, RMD)
I just got back last night from my first spode fest
and I am *still*
furious at David Jones and the *vast* majority of
you.. Deeney.. you know
exactly the word I have for you. It's still active.
Why the hell didn't
you bastards talk me into going to one of these
SOONER?!!! That was just a
whole lot of fun and I am disappointed I put it off
for so long.. Anyway,
random observations.. I'm back in the real world and
should be in a
meeting right now:)
- David Jones deserves an award and the sincere
appreciation of all that
attended. What an incredibly helpful guy and he
brought together a really
cool event. I built a crate for my XR and even got it
70% crated when we
just ran out of time. We only needed one more hour to
make it.. (I'll
quasi-rant against Home Despot sometime about all the
"help" they were.. I
know where we pissed away two hours on crating day).
- Getting there - I normally go to bed between 3 and
5 but with the
bullshit security facade we all have to be a part of,
I had to be at the
airport at 0415 for my 0600 flight (not like the old
days of getting there
at 0545!!). I had a lot of work to bring with me and
I spent the last
hours here getting my files together and the stuff I
needed moved onto my
laptop). I had my nav info printed out.. my gps
programmed.. my "stuff to
buy in Mtn Home" list printed.. My wife took me
to the airport and I was
waiting at the gate at 0430. *Bastards*... Snored all
the way to Chicago
(I was told).. paged a friend from the plane just
after departing Chicago
from the plane (could see her building) and then
snored all the way to
Denver (I was told).. and then... a truly ugly,
unfortunate and horrific
thing occurred. I was *bumped* from FC to that
shithole in the back from
DEN to BOI!!!!! Life *sucks*!!! I forgot how much
"the back" sucks.. no
OJ.. no "I want this now".. no smiling
waitresses caressing my hand every
time another cup of coffee shows up.. NO perks at
all. Just.. "regular"
people.. ick <s>
Loaded up my Explorer in BOI and headed to Mountain
Home.. made lots of
calls cleaning up dangling business from the road..
Found the WalMart and
took my list in (thank you to all of you who helped
me compile it:).. This
was, I would say, my third time in a food store this
month. It's sorta
cool. There are some gorgeous women in these places
you know. Not that I
noticed:) So.. first stop.. bananas (I won't do it
alphabetically next
time.. I'll do it so the soft shit goes in the
carriage last). So.. I'm
color blind. This maybe.. 24 year old medium height
blonde woman helps me
pick out the right ones and then helps me buy all the
rest of the stuff
too!!! Just between us, I probably bought an extra
$40 worth of stuff
because of this.. In hindsight, I wonder if WalMart
planted her there...
From Mtn Home on, you're sort of "out
there".. out where outer space comes
right down to dirt level. Nothing out there.. just
*way* too much sky:)
From my perspective.. I noticed my cel phone spent an
uncomfortable amount
of time in analog mode. After turning north onto that
super-isolated road
to Pine and Featherville, I saw the rig Deeney was
supposed to be in way
up in the distance and got on it to catch up (NO
place for radar cops to
hide out there:). I caught him just as we got to the
hills and he was
slowing down to dodge a couple of cows. I didn't slow
(it's a rental) and
spent a few miles trying to get his attention. First
headlights.. then
horn.. then waving... I mean... shit Jeff!!! Anyway,
I pull over to call
him (had to look it up on my palm top and I didn't
want to be
"knee-steering" on roads like this). Crap..
voice mail. Left him a message
(that contrary to what I've read was *not* nasty:)..
Back on the gas and I
just catch him again as we're rounding a curve in
between some hills. I'm
hanging out of the window waving when I see the hills
"part" and reveal
The Dumbest Place I Have Ever Been in My Fucking Life
(DPIHEBIMFL). The
"view" revealed that in about 100 yards,
the sky would descend 3000' below
the ledge (road) I was on where.. underneath all this
extra very
low-positioned sky was what appeared to be a
reservoir. Off to my left
(feel like Marty Robbins when I type that) was
another f'ing cliff coming
up in 20 yards. I can't promise that anything I
recount from here forward
will be precise.. I was terrified and *seething*
angry at the same time. I
do know that I SLAMMED on the brakes, simultaneously
with the most
passionately expressed "fuck me" I have
ever issued, and parked it right
in the middle of my lane. I do know that I pushed the
parking brake pedal
down to roughly where the lower hose comes out of the
radiator. I think I
turned the blinkers on.. And me and my cool
sunglasses sat there and
watched Jeff's rig f'ing abandon my ass in this
DPIHEBIMFL.
Please excuse my shift to the present tense... it
just seems more
appropriate to me for some reason. Time has changed
the pace with which it
passes.. "L'emozione Non Ha Voce" by
Adriano Celentano is, I am relatively
certain, emitting loudly for the first time ever in
this location.. though
I have stopped singing along. I *carefully* exited my
lane-centered,
well-anchord 2-ton CD player and stepped into the
road as the last of that
bastard Deeney drove out of sight around the hill.
Directly to the left of
the truck across the road was a big dirt spot that
several vehicles could
park on if needed (though no vehicle of mine as there
was a 300' drop off
at the side of this). And before I fucking forget,
can *anyone* share with
me why there are NO guard rails in f'ing Idaho?!!
Christ!!!
So I am standing there.. no... ballistically pacing
this dirt pad. I know
I spent 10 minutes swearing at Jones after I got done
with that c-cucker
Deeney, but don't worry.. I think I got to almost ALL
of you in the
ensuing 45 minutes of curse-packed pacing. After a
little while I did the
lean-back shuffle toward the edge to see how bad it
looked there in case
my plan to turn around and go home materialized.
*Just* as I approached
the edge, I thought I heard a rattle snake behind me
and an even more
passionate "fuck me" came out as I tried to
curve fit the best vector in
between where I perceived the sound to be and the
death drop so I could
shit in my pants in peace on level ground.. The sound
turned out to be
this goddam little... butterfly or something that
rattles when it flies..
Who the *F* would think this shit up!!??
I knew I couldn't go home because I had brilliantly
left that stupid
message for Deeney.. I could have easily come up with
some business excuse
all of you losers would have believed if I had not
left that. So I pushed
my ass back into the Explorer.. I had been there so
long it was coming
back around to Adriano again. I first planned how I
would bail out if,
upon releasing the e-brake, the main brakes failed.
They held. I put it in
gear. First gear. And let up on the brake.. the only
f'ing thing between
me and a fiery death. We headed down.. along this
DROP that I never, EVER
want to see again. I'd say it was about 1700 miles
later I got to the
bottom, where, I noticed about the only fucking guard
rail in the entire
state was located. At that point, I was filled with
sunshine and life...
and forged ahead with the idea of murdering (with a
smile) as many
Spodefestians as whose throats I could fit between my
hands before they
took me out.
A few little dropoffs later around the other side of
the res and I was
headed to lovely downtown Pine. I gotta tell you..
there are some
*gorgeous* women in Pine. I'm going to try the banana
trick there next
time:) Anyway.. through Pine and on to Featherville
(pop 30? like.. 8
buildings?). I checked into the Saloon next to the
motel where I met
Melva.. the proprietress. Real nice lady. Here's a
hint for what NOT to
say when you first arrive in Featherville...
"You think it'd kill them to
build a fucking Starbucks here?". Take off your
cool sunglasses and say
"hello" first.
I checked into my room.. room 9:) I still can't get
over I had a single
digit room number. I don't want to give the wrong
impression about the
room as the people of Featherville were *awesome* and
there is possibly
not as much demand for Park Hyatts out here as I
would hope. If you were
at camp, you know what I said though:)
Crap... I've got to get some work done today!!
Speeding up here..
After unpacking and stowing my food and such, I
headed into camp where I
found tons of familiar faces around Asswipe's truck.
First I think was
Keith.. stunned look I showed:) Then Wes.. stunned
look I showed:) Then
Mike and Tracy.. stunned looks I showed. Asswipe..
stunned. I heard a
landing craft pull up behind me.. BM.. my plan was to
stove his face in
upon first meeting him but "the road"
changed me. Now I wanted to kill
everyone and Jones was closer to the top than BM so I
just said hi:) Then
Rowdy.. I'm not sure but I have the feeling a
SHITLOAD of people lost
money when I showed up, or at least that was what the
vibe was then. If I
had to guess, I'd have to say BM probably covered the
bets given his happy
demeanor at the time.
I went over and found David and the Boise crew
shortly thereafter and got
a tour of the Berg, which I suited up and took around
for an hour and a
half. I like the power it produces and the light
weight. It was a little
small for me but extra seat foam and the right kind
of bars would fix
that. I'd never met David or Dan or Murray before..
I'd spoken with david
a bunch on the phone getting ready for this and found
him to be a really
really great guy. (Note.. this in no way diminishes
the fact that I want
to kill his ass for that hill:).. And Dan and Murray
and everyone I met
over there were great folks too. Thank you VERY much
guys for all your
help in getting me there!
I rode around and I have to say it was beautiful and
wonderful conditions
once I got recalibrated to the idea that
dirt=slippery here. It was a
social ride as I stopped and talked with other
campers and hikers and
whoever I could find. Didn't meet a single jerk
anywhere the entire time
(though I don't think anyone who met me can say the
same!:).
- The Friday Ride - To my surprise, a number of folks
said they wanted to
ride with me.. one of them Mike Baxter. He's as fast
as he is ugly (that's
*fast*:) and I was surprised he wanted to be in a
group with me. It was
great having so many friends to ride with that day.
Our group included
Mike, Tracy, BM, Jim Hall (*great* guy btw), Keith,
all the Fredricksons
(*great* folks.. I met Deb before when we had an
affair, and David at a
Burger night but it was good to meet Floyd too..
sorry about the affair
Dude...:), and I have to be leaving someone out and
I'm sorry if I have. I
don't have my pics back yet. The conditions were
pretty easy I think and
while we hit some minor exposure (thank you for
working to make me so
comfortable there Keith!) it was all nice stuff. The
rocks were minor. The
stream crossings were really cool. I don't see them
as often as I see up
there. As we went up, the Bert progressively lost
it's interest in
starting. The button was dead from base camp on but
the lever worked and I
just got in the habit of parking near down hills and
bumping it. I had a
*GREAT* time and appreciate Jim and Keith sticking
with me while we went
up.
- Sat - I got to camp a little late to hook up with
anyone (did a lot of
work the night before in my room) but planned to ride
the lower parts. The
Berg just refused to light and after 90 min of
trying, I packed it in and
cleaned up for dinner. I figured I didn't want to be
"out there" and not
be able to start it alone anyway. One thing that
surprised me was that we
didn't do head counts at the end of the day, just for
safety. I saw a lot
of people heading out alone and I was one of them.
Just a suggestion for
next year..
- Dining - I ate with the Baxters on the first night
(great bratwurst
spread) and Jeff Deeney, Rod, Todd and Jay (you won't
believe it but he
left his pants on ALL night.. I think this could be
the new rumor:).. we
had a gourmet burger bar and it was *great*. Did the
big catered thing the
next night and it would be worth it at 4x the price.
Jim... thanks for
scoring me a ticket:) Thanks to all who invited my
sorry ass over for
dinner.. I couldn't appreciate it more.
- The campfires and the hanging out - Ok.. the riding
was nice. To me, the
absolute best part was the people. I enjoyed talking
with old friends and
meeting new ones. This part completely overshadowed
the riding, which was
spectacular. You have some pretty cool conversations
in a setting like
this. You have the same honesty you find in
"online" discussion but face
to face. Maybe it's just me but that is neat. I tell
you.. those buys that
made the fires... they were IN to fire. van Goghs
every one of them:)
In the interest of sensitivity to others, I ask that
nobody repeat my
remark about the guy who was "maybe trying to
put out" biologically
propagated wild-fires. Tim... this means you Dude:)
- Meeting people - Met a lot of RMDers for the first
time and everyone of
them was great. I can't remember them all, but: Tim H
and his family,
Tammy and her husband, Dan, jeb, Jim Hall, Floyd,
Brian and his wife,
David, nuts.. cant remember.. the guy from UT.. I
hate that.. we talked
for hours too damn it... Rod.. Todd.. everyone! Nice
to see Dean and Jay
out there as well.
- To answer an email I just got as I was writing this
- *Everyone* was
true to the persona's I know from RMD. There you go
Kurt:)
- The MOST IMPORTANT MOMENT - As Asswipe and I stood
there.. in the
dark... talking with a bunch of our friends... he
admitted that "Cobra
Grass possessed a certain intellectualism"..
FINALLY!!!!
Other final observations:
- Burl and Edna who make up the beds at the
Featherville Saloon and Motel
are two of the nicest people you'll ever meet.
- To the kid who works at the Featherville Cafe, good
luck in the Navy!!!
This is one nice guy... and his dad makes the best
ham & cheese omelette
in the world!
- 21.6KB is too slow, even on vacation:)
- I forgot what tv's without remote controls and
mechanical tuners look
like... cool:)
- It's *weird* going without a cel phone for 4 days
for the first time
since the 80's:)
- If you get a voice mail.. and are instructed
"Find me a f'ing helicopter
so I can get out of here without having to deal with
that f'ing cliff
again".. do NOT consider one of those glass
bubble deals without any doors
a suitable solution. If I wanted to feel like a
Christmas ornament, I have
other options.
- I would love to figure out how to host a spodefest
in New England so we
can show off our riding... Greg.. how about
Brimfield? Think we could do
it? I'm sure we have enough trails...
- The family side of this sport is really neat.. wish
my family was
interested but I envy you guys who do have that.
- The DPIHEBIMFL going out.. Without a bike to ride,
I left early on
Sunday. Stopped at camp first there was virtually
nobody around. Headed
out.. I *hated* how I could see the road as I
approached. I wanted Dana to
be with me:) I put the Italian CD back in and set it
to repeat on Come Mai
by 883. It was don't-fall-to-your-death music in my
mind.. I passed the
guard rail and eased her into 2nd. Headed up and
sang. F-me.. I did not
like it but about half way up I had an idea. What
could I do that would
"take me to the next level"? Ok.. ha ha..
I'm sure you said drive off the
edge. You're all so f'ing funny (like Dan asking me
if I had airbags...
I'm breaking up over here!). I waited until I was at
one of those places
where I was in a little saddle.. dirt hills on both
sides.. and turned
around and went back to the guard rail just to do it.
No biggie to all you
fearless cliff riders but a biggie to me. Then I went
out.. in second..
and once I got to the top, I floored it and drove off
the edge and rode it
out like Seth.. (nobody's still reading here so I can
write anything I
want:). Had a great ride back and stayed in Boise for
early (1000 am:)
flight back.
- Got sick (dehydration.. I was sitting next to a
doctor:) on the way back
and hit the ER at OHare.. I was bummed.. they didn't
remember me. I was
feeling better so I left before they got around to
the 3 hours of saline
drip and went back and slept.
That's my first Spodefest.. it was really one of the
best things I've ever
done and can't wait to do another. Thanks to everyone
who helped me get
there and helped out with things while I was there.
If you haven't gone to
one, you MUST. Later!
©
Mike Williams, 2002 All rights reserved
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