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| FORM 1040 AND BEYOND |
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| Check to be sure you have: |
| -- signed your return? |
| -- enclosed your check? |
| -- blamed liberals for everything? |
| -- forgotten the size of the defense budget? |
| -- called the IRS every name you can think of on talk radio? |
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| With the tax deadline looming, you may think you've deducted every martini lunch and capitalized on every capital gain. But the IRS has some Missing Tax Forms you must fill out or risk penalty (death in most states). These forms are available in person at the IRS office in Salina, Kansas or on the Internet at: www.leech.gov.org.inyourface. |
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| Schedule NG -- Last Minute Deductions -- The new Congress has added the following deductible items: Expenditures for Grecian Formula 13, round-trip flights from Washington, D.C. to Georgia, royalties from companies owned by Rupert Murdoch, outlays for Sonny and Cher albums, kickbacks from HMOs, and copies of Rush Limbaugh's new book Our Merciless, Blood-sucking Government. |
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| Schedule W -- Where You Want Your Tax Dollars Wasted-- |
| 1. List congressional pork you want to bankroll. Carefully spell out the names of Air Force bases. |
| 2. List amount you want earmarked for agencies giving huge subsidies to people exactly like you. |
| 3. List any Democrats you don't want to get a dime of your hard earned taxes. Be specific. |
| 4. List major artists and arts agencies you would like to see go begging for National Arts Endowment support. |
| Check here if you want $2 to go to a fund to send Hillary Clinton out of the country and keep her there. |
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| Schedule CH -- Itemization of How You Cheated This Year -- |
| 1. List five illegal deductions you made. Be vague. |
| 2. List all income you didn't report. Include drug sales, bribes, offshore Caribbean Islands you own, ransoms, scratch-ticket winnings, illegal arms sales. |
| 3. List family members you exempted who don't exist. List dependents you claimed who are actually gerbils. |
| 4. List the Form 1040 line you feel especially guilty about. Explain the therapy you will use to feel "okay" about this. |
| 5. List five reasons why you're such a crook. |
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| Schedule 2020 -- Mortgaged Futures -- |
| List all children in your city who will remain hungry, uneducated, or unvaccinated because of recent cuts in your taxes. List major appliances and luxuries you plan to buy with your tax credits. Check your arithmetic. Try to make this add up. |
| Check here if you want $5,000 to go to a fund keeping Social Security afloat until you cash in, then letting it go down the toilet so everyone younger than you has to work for their retirement. |
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| Schedule HUH? -- Miscellaneous Instructions -- |
| After revising forms, IRS accountants had these leftover instructions. |
| 1. If Line 14 is blank, go to Line16. |
| 2. Draw a cow. |
| 3. Go to Line 12, then to Line 10 without lifting your pencil. What do we call this shape? |
| 4. If Line 6 is smaller than Line 5, then all men are mortals. |
| 5. On Line 18, list who is buried in Grant's Tomb. |
| 6. Hint: Socrates was mortal. |
| 7. Add Line 21 to Line 23. Name the chief export of Chile. |
| 8. If Line 7 is smaller than Line 9, put $100,000 in a brown paper bag and leave it in a dumpster behind the IRS office in Salina, Kansas. |
| 9. Add Lines 21 through 25. Looks like Socrates owes some more money, eh? |
| 10. Subtract Line 11 from a million billion jillion dollars. This is the AMOUNT YOU OWE. |
| Sign here ________________________ |
| Send all Missing Tax Forms to Our Merciless, Blood-Sucking Government, Washington, D.C. 20013. |
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