 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
| CORPORATE MERGERS: THE BROCHURE |
|
| Who We Are: The Info Group, a.k.a. Earth, Inc. |
| |
| What We Do: We're an Info-conglomerate in the Info-business. We cruise the Info-highway picking up Info-companies. We take them for a ride, frisk them for spare change, then drop them in the nearest Info-ditch. |
| |
| What We Own: 21 AM radio stations, 52 FM stations, the Public Understanding Kable Empire (PUKE), six publishing houses, 18 publishing condos, 21 publishing apartment complexes, five Hong Kong movie studios, the Butt Ugly Music Store, 23 theme parks in Virginia, HomeWired -- the online company invading your home, InfoNet -- the network of information-based shows available on all home cable systems. . . We'll have more of What We Own in a minute. Now this. |
|
| One Little-known Fact About Us: For the right price we'd sell soft porn to our grandmothers. |
|
| More of What We Own: Every square inch of Nashville, great heaping hunks of the Sunbelt, the last library in Cleveland. |
|
| Our Greatest Hits: "Axe Yo' Momma, Al," by Christ Killer n' Jody, "Muhfuh, Splunk, n' Whoa" by Street Meat, "We are Grgglsprrd," by Grgglsprrd, "Just Say Huh?" by Dumb n' Dumbo, "Doom Dungeon Deathstar Scum" by F. Mann n' the Spred, and "Yo, Butthead! Original Soundtrack" by The Four Freshmen. |
|
| What Else We Own: The minds of 350 million children, access to half the world's personal computers, 252 Congressmen, 55 Senators, the FCC, and your last entertainment dollar. |
|
| Our Recent Box Office Blockbusters: "Stupid Studs n' Babes" (Cinebucks), "Rudeness" (Very Simple Pictures), "Costner's Latest Vehicle" (Mega-hunk Films), "Yo, Butthead! (PUKE Studios), "Drive-by Shooting" (Fear Monger Films), and "Stick It!" (Mom n' Pop Pictures). |
|
| Our Motto: "Don't blame us, blame parents." |
|
| What Makes Us Laugh: Parents who threaten to write our Congressmen. |
|
| What We Want to Own: The Moon (the side where ads can be displayed), the ears of every teen everywhere, all stories that can be sold by fear or sex, access to the other half of the world's personal computers. |
|
| Our Top-selling Software: Microself Money Simulator, Doomstar Death Dealer, Yo, Butthead! CD-ROM, Laundry Lister -- Windows version, SimBrain 4.0, Shirt Buttoning Pro. |
|
| Last Book We Read: Sometime in 1979. |
|
| Why We Exist: Because you can't entertain yourself. |
|
| Our Recent Best-sellers: Laundry Lists for Dummies, Yo, Butthead! Sticker Book, Hey, I'm Not Funny Anymore, by Andy Rooney, Everything Your Cat Needs to Know About Sex, and Kitchen Tips from America's Most Wanted Criminals, by Martha Stewart. |
|
| Where We're Headed: "Info-wise, it's still 2000," our CEO says, "but we're moving well into the 22ndt century. Of course, many companies say the same, but we're not stopping there. Why not head straight for the 23rd century? Or the 24th? When you own the future, you don't have to wait." |
|
|
