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| YOUR CAMPAIGN-ENGLISH DICTIONARY |
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| (With apologies to Ambrose Bierce's Devil's Dictionary) |
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| If you're watching this year's presidential campaign without a clue, you're not alone. That's because my Campaign-English Dictionary isn't due out after the election. |
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| Silly me. When my agent told me my dictionary was a sure campaign bestseller, I didn't believe her. Who'd want to read definitions of campaign terms such as "politician," "slimeball," and "kicking a little butt"? Now I'm sitting here up to my keester in pages and print while candidates spew untranslated jargon into the body politic. |
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| To help campaign watchers cope until summer, I offer a few basic phrases from my forthcoming dictionary. |
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| third party, n., a political party that runs a politician who isn't a politician favoring policies that aren't policies to please voters who don't vote. |
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| primary, n., the political process which begins the selection of the world's most powerful leader through a series of luncheons and bake-offs in New Hampshire. |
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| momentum, n., having won the last primary. |
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| government, n., 1. in a democracy, a collection of people elected by people to be slandered and libeled as the people's enemy. 2. in a totalitarian state, a smaller collection of people chosen by themselves to serve as the people's enemy. |
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| poll, n., 1. a sampling of popular opinion based on 1,200 phone interviews. 2. in an election year, reality. |
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| balancing the budget, v., 1. the essential campaign promise of the 1990s. 2. pacifier for voters who want government of me, by me, for me, but without any taxes on me. SEE balanced budget, n., a popular fiction. |
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| special interest, n., any group of people, however large, whose interests run contrary to yours. In modern campaigns, special interests include women, men, urban voters, rural voters, the elderly, children, the poor, the rich, minorities, majorities. . . |
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| memoir, n., 1. a collection of memories written by a famous person, 2. a pile which, if piled high enough, could reach high office. |
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| run, v., 1. to move quickly by making rapid strides, 2. in politics, to stand in one place by refusing to make rapid strides. |
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| bureaucracy, n., 1. any federal program not related to the Department of Defense. 2. syn public schools, children's lunches, medical research, housing, etc. bureaucrat, n. SEE faceless. |
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| dark horse, n., presidential candidate whose private life has not yet been laid bare by the media. |
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| economy, n., highly complex, multi-trillion dollar mix of business, government, and individual choices which candidates promise to improve by cutting capital gains taxes. |
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| sound bite, n., 1. nine-second quote on TV news which defines a full day's political events. 2. the waste product produced by a political campaign machine. |
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| defense spending, n., at last count, a $269 billion federal make-work program which cannot be mentioned during the campaign. |
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| candidate, n., 1. skilled public speaker who suffers bland chicken dinners in order to attain public office. 2. skilled public speaker willing to watch his personal life be exposed in tabloids in order to attain public office. |
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| liberal, n., 1. the devil. 2. person who wants to return to "the failed policies of the past." SEE bleeding heart, n., a heart condition characterized by compassionate views that often proves fatal to politicians. |
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| conservative, n., 1. an ex-liberal with a mortgage. 2. person who wants to return to "the failed policies of the past." |
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| Now you have the definitions. Translate with caution. |
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