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| AWARDS FOR AGING CHILDREN |
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| My annual Granny Awards honor contemporary musicians whose music is judged the most incomprehensible to the rest of us ancient mariners. Each Granny winner will receive a gold statuette of a dog seated before a record player, paws firmly planted over both ears. And this year's Granny winners are: |
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| Best Recording by a Multi-billion Selling Pre-pubescent Vocalist You Never Heard Of: Brittanie B., "Cute, Cuddly, and Currently Flunking Sixth Grade." |
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| Best Loud Recording by an Ugly Music Band: Eardrum Hash, "Throw It Down and Stomp on It." |
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| Most Platinum Records in the Last Year by an Artist with a Face More Pierced than a Dartboard: Studface Porkchop, 12. |
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| Best Recording by a Rapper Wanted in Several States for Aggravated Assault: Muh-fug an' Zeke Brat: "Mow da' Dudes Down." |
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| Best Pronunciation of "Git" and "Cain't Git" in a Country Song: Trainia Freight, "Tonight I'm Gonna Git All I Cain't Git At Home." |
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| Most Costume Changes in a Rock Video: Stephanie and the Sluts, "Love Me For My Mind." |
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| Best Movie Soundtrack: Brittanie B., "Still Cute, Still Cuddly, and Currently Bringing Home Six Million a Month." |
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| Best Rock Recording By a Female Artist Who Does Not Look Like a Supermodel: None eligible. |
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| Best New Age Recording That Sounds Like Every Other New Age Recording: Alexis Airstream, "New Moon: Goddess Green." |
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| Most Titanium Records in the Last Year by an Artist with a Reptilian Name: Smelly Serpents, 14. |
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| Best Pronunciation of "Oooooh, Baby" by a Male Vocalist: Mick L. Angelo, "Love You, Love You, Love You, Love You, Love You, and You, Too." |
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| Best Recording by a Band in Pre-school: The Pampers, "Goo, Goo, Ga, Ga, Can I have the Stroller Tonight?" |
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| Best Lyrics in English That Sound as if Screamed in Croatian: The Smegmatics, "Grunkg Luft Scrawnlix Miggunah" ("I Love Your Eyes.") |
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| Best Recording by a Female (Post-pubescent) Vocalist in Black Lingerie: Celie C. "I Dreamed I Was on a CD in My Maidenform Bra." |
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| Most Plutonium Records in the Last Year by an Artist Named for Food: Lilly Liver, 35. |
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| Best Traditional Recording: "Smelly Serpents Sing the Songs of Woody Guthrie." |
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| Comeback Kids of the Year (All Band Members Must be Under 16): The Popped Zits, "Woooh, Almost Had to Get a Job There for Awhile." |
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| Best Song by a Sixties Rock Band Without Facelifts: The Rolling Stones, "Mick Can Still Strut It, Eh?" |
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| Lifetime Achievement Award: The Pampers. |
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| Winners can collect their Grannys at my house but come before 8:30 p.m. when it's bedtime for this former star. |
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